


you're my river running high

by copperiisulfate



Category: Free!
Genre: Episode Tag, Injury, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-02-16 03:50:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2254812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperiisulfate/pseuds/copperiisulfate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s had nothing but five years and a feeling, a hope in his heart and a smile behind his eyelids.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're my river running high

 

He’s crying, of course he’s crying, heaving sobs that shake him, and Sousuke can feel them run through his own bones with how tight Rin’s gripping on to him, tugging at his jersey like if he wrangles something with his fingers, it will all finally come to a screeching halt.

Sousuke wants to react, say something, do something, but at the same time, this is the lightest he’s felt in years, all hollowed out, sure, but it’s all on the table, and he feels himself, finally, finally, breathing easy.

 

*

  

For five years, he’d felt like a bystander in his own life, like he’s been watching from a bird’s eye view.

And for two years, he’d thought,  _Sorry_. 

He’d thought,  _Sorry, I let you down. Sorry we won’t be able to make it. Sorry, I dreamed so deep, so bright. Sorry, you’re gonna find out and it’s gonna break your heart and it will be on me, making you cry, making you feel that way._

And it had been sincere, all of it, but still distant, removed, like they were someone else’s thoughts, like he had been watching and couldn’t quite reach out to the scene before him.

He’d hurt for Rin but mostly, then, he’d hurt for himself. To finally know what you wanted all along,  _to finally know and feel it within your grasp_  the moment it’s out of reach.

He wouldn’t have wished it upon his enemies.

 

*

 

Now, he’s had plenty of time to hurt for himself. Now, he’s just hurting for Rin, who wears a smile for Samezuka that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. It’s a dull ache, reflected in the watery smile he shoots when only the relay team can see. It’s only fair. For Rin, the truth is still a fresh wound. 

Sousuke thinks of how Rin is always on the edge of tears, from joy or pain or any number of emotions, how he’s always wearing all of them on his sleeve, on his face. Sousuke doesn’t know if he’d always found it as endearing as he does now. He’s loved him for so long that it’s become easy to lose track of these things, to lose track of time. It feels like forever and he thinks, distantly, that it must have been. 

 

*

 

Rin climbs into his bed after the relay and it’s not something that should take him by surprise.

They’ve done this before, when they were kids, except, as with everything else, it feels enormously different now. Sousuke tries to laugh it off, tries to tell him that he doesn’t need Rin to baby him, but he’s cut short when Rin’s got him pinned with an arm across his chest, fingers curled into a loose fist beside his neck. Rin’s settled on his side against him, breathing soft, if still a little shallow, still a little ragged, close to his ear. 

"I know," he says. "I just…" and he can’t really make it past that so he buries his face against the side of Sousuke’s and breathes in and in and in. 

"Sorry," Sousuke says, finally, out loud, and his voice is faint and not all there. 

"Why?" says Rin, turning his head so that Sousuke can face him, and in the weak light filtered in from the windows, his eyes are like stars.

There’s a moment where Sousuke wants to laugh, at himself, at all of this, wants to kiss him, and he’s at an angle where he could, easily, but it somehow feels unfair.

Rin repeats it, but the word is a different question now, half a dozen different, unanswerable questions that go beyond Rin’s tears and Sousuke’s efforts, all in vain, trying to keep two hearts intact.

_Why did this happen? Why did you lie? Why me and why you and why us and why now?_

_I don’t know,_  Sousuke wants to say. _I_ _love you,_  Sousuke wants to say. The two seem to have no relation or maybe they do but that’s not what he wants to think about right now.

"Sorry," he repeats, hoarse, because it’s the only word in his head, on his tongue, and nothing else seems to come out, not with Rin here shaking and shaking beside him.

What he wants to think about—what he can’t stop thinking about is how he wants to hold on to him for an age. Somewhere along the way, Rin turned into quicksilver, always slipping out of and away from his fingers, and, for a time, it felt like even his body failed him in his effort to reach out.

Still, he’ll keep trying.

He curls his arm around Rin’s waist. It’s a movement that’s slower and stuttered from the pain but it seems to be enough, seems to be all it takes for Rin’s eyes to widen fractionally, for Rin to press him against the mattress with his own weight, almost gingerly, and press his lips to Sousuke’s face and Sousuke’s lashes, the bridge of his nose and the edge of his jaw.

His hair gets in Sousuke’s eyes and Sousuke wants to laugh even though there’s that ache in his chest, deep and dull, finds that he can’t because he’s got no breath left in his lungs for it, because Rin’s got it all, the way he always has. Rin’s got his lip between his teeth and he bites it hard and then kisses it soft, whispers his name and makes him see  _stars_.

Of course, it takes far less than a moment for Sousuke to open up beneath him, partly because he’s tired, of waiting, and partly because he can’t not, because he’s had nothing but five years and a feeling, a hope in his heart and a smile behind his eyelids. He’s tired and he wants him; he’s wanted him for so long; he’s tried and he knows he failed to keep it a secret from himself but he knows that he’s going to want him forever. 

"Sorry," Rin says, against his neck, leaves a mark there because he can, because Sousuke wants him to, because, like bruises, like the rest of it, everything feels fleeting right now, and Sousuke want to bask in the best of it, knows that  _this is the best of it._  

"Sorry," he says again, with his breath ghosting down Sousuke’s ribs, making him wince. "shouldn’t have pushed you so hard," whispers Rin, his voice breaking, "shouldn’t have done whatever I did to have you end up like—" 

“ _Don’t,_ " Sousuke hisses, tugs at Rin’s hair then loosens his hold. This is not going to be another game they play. Rin has nothing to apologize for, not to him, not ever.

He runs a hand from Rin’s nape to his crown and Rin looks up at him, chin on his hip. His eyes are glossy but not quite wet and Sousuke wants to burn the touch of him into his skin, wants to—

—just  _wants._

"What a mess," Rin sighs, and then, because he’s always been quick on his feet, "but we’ll fix it, yeah?"

"Yeah," Sousuke says, absently, not sure if he believes it, not sure he even wants to think about it because he’s spent two years keeping the bile from rising in his throat, two years refusing to acknowledge his own body, and finally, he’s arriving at some sort of acceptance and making peace with the impossibilities.

"First thing tomorrow, I’m taking you to the hospital," says Rin, nods for emphasis and moves up so that they are face to face, like he needs Sousuke’s full attention, as if Sousuke would ever give him anything less. 

"And then, after…" Rin trails off, takes a moment to gather himself. "Look," he says. "You get it, right?"

Sousuke isn’t sure that he does. He wants to play along but Rin’s always been two beats ahead like that, even if he’s also been kind about it and let Sousuke keep in time with him.

"Rin," says Sousuke, a quiet warning to it. "It’s. This. It’s enough, okay? It’s fine. It’s enough."

Rin nods, and then asks, “Do you trust me?” 

And here, Sousuke wants to laugh at the absurdity of the question. 

“ _Rin_ ,” he says, softer this time.  _Blindly, with my life, every fibre of my fucking heart._

"Good," says Rin, and beams at him with his Captain’s smile, with his Sano Swim Club smile, with the smile Sousuke has kept safe and secret behind his eyes to pull him through the past five years. "That’s all I need to know,” he says, “and what I need _you_ to know is that you’re incredible, you are, but we’re a team now."

"Rin,” Sousuke sighs. “Your dream—"

"—is going to be just fine," Rin interrupts, impatient as always, as he settles his head on Sousuke’s chest, eyes on him all the while, "but I need more than a dream. I need my best friend too, preferably happy, but I might settle for not capsizing in pain."

"I am. Happy," Sousuke says, and it comes out warmer than he intends it to, but it’s hard to help it.

He finds that he means it, always means it when it’s Rin.

Rin reaches for his face and swipes a thumb over his brow, smiles, the first traces of fatigue and sleep creep into his movements. The sight makes something inside Sousuke’s chest untwist, uncurl, and he wasn’t lying because in the span of this moment at least, he’s nothing but happy, nothing but fond, heart close to bursting with it. 

Rin nods slowly, as if in sleepy approval, and says, before closing his eyes, “I’m hoping to keep it that way.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Lykke Li's "I Follow Rivers" which somehow became the Sousuke song and has been haunting me for weeks now.


End file.
